Percocet is out, at least for now. I've switched to Dilaudid which is also a morphine derivative, but hopefully doesn't have the side-effects of Percocet. I told the nurse the problem is it makes me high, but what I should've also mentioned is it makes me low too. I was freaked out this morning because of the pain and the fact I was going fairly often and it was all because of that stupid "macro-microbes spewing out of my midsection" dream. I'm a worrier, and I don't need to invent my own worries during my lows. It'll just make me really annoying to be around.
I'm worried about the fact there's so much pain in the vag area even on day 4. It felt a bit on the burning side before I panicked and asked for painkillers, but an inspection made it out to be fine. But right now I just feel a chronic pain in that area, and it's really annoying....\and it doesn't help that I defy logic in that I get more pain in the vag area than the breasts. Any time someone tells me I'm not normal, even in a seemingly benign way, I worry...i.e. maybe it's not one that's doing well but it's the other that's doing poorly.
Gah...
40 minutes later I get a visitor, a friend of a friend. I'm in tears as she enters because I'm in so much pain, so much so that it took me a little time to realize the pool by the foley bag was all tears. It hurts. It fucking hurts and it's not going away. It's a burning sensation, everyone says it's fine but it's there. I'm totally formulating this sentence like a crazy person because that's how I feel. It hurts like hell but no one wants to acknowledge it.
Today is completely pointless to me. I don't feel like I'm going to accomplish squat. I've been in chronic pain for hours now. I'm going to be for hours to come. The dilaudid is extremely slow acting or it just doesn't work on me. I don't feel like eating, showering, moving around, catheter plugging is pointless because I can't tell pain from pressure, even typing this blog but I have to get out how I feel. This sucks. I just want to sleep the rest of the day off. Next opening I get I'll just take the percecet, drop, and make it midnight after a series of more screwed up dreams. Now I know why euthenasia advocates do what they do. At least this pain will eventually go away for me. If I were to suffer it for the rest of my life, I don't know if it's be worth it.
All that can cycle through my head today is what complication are we going to find out about after I've suffered enough, will it ever look right, will it ever feel right, will this ever stop hurting. Damnit today sucks. :(
The only thing that made me feel better was my visitor said she had extreme pain on day 4 too. That's all I need to hear right now, I need to know it's not just me and I'm not hiding some ungodly terrible complication.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment