I haven't been so happy in such a long time. In fact I'm not sure if I've ever been this happy in my life. It's so strange. I still have so much to do, healing left to do, minor complications could still pop in, and I haven't even been debriefed by Dr. Meltzer yet. (if I'm not mistaken he does major surgeries on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. It blows my mind that today is only Wednesday!) And yet I have such unimaginable peace of mind. I don't think I've ever felt as good as I do now. I used to dread periods of time where I have nothing to do, where I only get to think. My thoughts would always take such a turn for the worst but not today. Today I don't feel like anything could bring me down. I actually feel like my life could only get better from here on. Such a huge weight has been lifted from my chest. (while different weights have been added, hahaha) All my irrational fears are fading away. I no longer have to dread basic tasks like using public restrooms ever again. I could wear virtually everything I want without worrying about lumps. My body will finally make sense. All the stupid male shit is gone forever. I won't have to worry about falsies falling out. I can start having a sex life eventually. My health will surely improve because I won't be so stressed out all the time anymore. I could fill up 100kb worth of space listing all the ways this has made my life better and still be missing a lot.
Even bizarre fears that stems from society's rejections of us are fading. There was a rather unpleasant South Park episode where Garrison got SRS + aug, and a number of follow up gags in future episodes to this. It kind of gave me an identity crisis similar to the Jerry Springer trannies, like I'm not them. And you know what, no one is. I respect Parker and Stone, they get a lot of things right on South Park but they're dead wrong about the T community. But what can I say? They're just as ignorant about it as anyone who doesn't have gender dysphoria. You just can't understand it if you aren't it. I still don't 100% understand it myself. I just know that I did the right thing.
In any case, I'd be a hypocrit if I stop watching the show because of their portrayals. I laugh at all the other groups they poke fun of (often unfairly as well) so what can I say?
Funny thing is I really didn't resolve...well...myself! until maybe a week ago. Being in the wrong body for so many years after transition is a total mindfuck and you just don't know how to interpret its effects sometimes. I had this funny dream a few weeks ago where I had srs already. It was a waking dream in that it didn't last long, and when I re-woke up I was back to my old self, and it felt like a burst of electrity flowed through my body. Like I was confused again. I wondered if I'd feel that after surgery as well, but I didn't. Everything feels right.
I'm glad to be alive in the 21st century, for so many reasons...
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