In an anti-climactic event, we met at the nearby mall, while he was finishing up his food court meal, told him I'm T (and incidentally, that I DIDN'T injure myself skating) and...he was surprised first of all, but said specifically "we're still boyfriend and girlfriend" and within 30 minutes we got it out of our system. Life continued on as normal for the rest of yesterday and today.
WTF? I seem to have a gift for dumb luck in my life, and this takes the cake.
Not complaining, though!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Dropping the bomb
Going off on a tangent, but it's been almost two months since the big day. I've had a sorta-boyfriend for over a month now, and since he's started getting on the kissy side, I have no choice but to a. drop the bomb now, or b. keep it secret longer and drive myself mad with stress.
Never told someone before. Not quite sure how it's going to go...
Never told someone before. Not quite sure how it's going to go...
Monday, May 18, 2009
"My new dilation routine" or "Having a life, finally"
Since I'm well over a week into "2xDay" territory with dilation and I'm managing the 5 alright, I've dropped down to two sessions per day. One in the morning and one in the evening. No, they're not 12 hours apart and that doesn't seem to matter.
The 5 is improving much slower than the other sizes did. I doubt I could fit a 6 if it even existed. This morning's was the first time I was able to get it in within 2 minutes of the previous size. There's a little amount of bleeding caused by the introduction of the 5, but not nearly as much as when I introduced the 4.
My routine goes 3-4-5 right now. In a few days I'm going to attempt 3-5 so I can save on time and lube. I'm going to keep the 3 around for some time because I can reach maximum depth much easier with the 3 than I can the 4. I think around the 4th dot I hit something solid, bone maybe? Anyway I can jimmy the 3 around it and reach the 5th dot, but the 4...nope.
I only reach maximum depth once per day. The main object is still to keep the PC muscle from closing up.
One other thing worth mentioning: Last night I had a T-related nightmare and discharged a noteworthy amount of goop. Ew. I'll soon stop wearing pads during the day but having them at night is probably a good thing. I seem to discharge more at night.
The 5 is improving much slower than the other sizes did. I doubt I could fit a 6 if it even existed. This morning's was the first time I was able to get it in within 2 minutes of the previous size. There's a little amount of bleeding caused by the introduction of the 5, but not nearly as much as when I introduced the 4.
My routine goes 3-4-5 right now. In a few days I'm going to attempt 3-5 so I can save on time and lube. I'm going to keep the 3 around for some time because I can reach maximum depth much easier with the 3 than I can the 4. I think around the 4th dot I hit something solid, bone maybe? Anyway I can jimmy the 3 around it and reach the 5th dot, but the 4...nope.
I only reach maximum depth once per day. The main object is still to keep the PC muscle from closing up.
One other thing worth mentioning: Last night I had a T-related nightmare and discharged a noteworthy amount of goop. Ew. I'll soon stop wearing pads during the day but having them at night is probably a good thing. I seem to discharge more at night.
Friday, May 15, 2009
I'm a proud new inductee of the #5 club
First thing I need to say...I'm glad there is no #6.
The 5 sutures of death came out a couple days ago so I went and risked it just now. In fact I'm working it as I write this blog. #5 is a unique experience unto itself.
First of all, it pulls skin like crazy.
Second, getting it in the first time was harsh. I couldn't 3-5, I had to 3-4-5. Period.
Third, once I got it past the PC muscle I was met with heavy resistence the entire way. The whole trip is like trying to get that last dot on a smaller size.
Fourth, I seem to have annoyed my urethra by doing this. D'oh.
Fifth, getting it out was almost as hard as getting it in.
Geesh. I can't wait until it's all over and I can plop the 5 in there as I initially did the 1.
The 5 sutures of death came out a couple days ago so I went and risked it just now. In fact I'm working it as I write this blog. #5 is a unique experience unto itself.
First of all, it pulls skin like crazy.
Second, getting it in the first time was harsh. I couldn't 3-5, I had to 3-4-5. Period.
Third, once I got it past the PC muscle I was met with heavy resistence the entire way. The whole trip is like trying to get that last dot on a smaller size.
Fourth, I seem to have annoyed my urethra by doing this. D'oh.
Fifth, getting it out was almost as hard as getting it in.
Geesh. I can't wait until it's all over and I can plop the 5 in there as I initially did the 1.
Just a note on pre vs post sensation
I'm a natural born skeptic, I have a hard time believing anything I can't experience myself, including things that are to the political benefit of the T community. That said, here's something wicked cool that I keep forgetting to write down.
- Before surgery, I was able to pretty accurately mentally simulate many of the physical feelings of post-opness or normalcy, if I may. The sensations and the surface area of those sensations did not match the actual physical form of my body at the time.
- After surgery, on a larf I tried to focus and mentally simulate the pre-op sensations that I always identified as "wrong", and I couldn't. Even though I experienced them for 20something years, I couldn't map it out in my head.
How about that? Personally I see that as another layer of much needed validation. My brain was never wired for said annoying sensation and once the body bits were remapped (some gone altogether), not even a piece of it could be simulated mentally. I can still visualize it because it's stuck in my memories, but I can't feel it.
On another note, my dreams no longer have anything pertaining to post-opness/normalcy, but that's no surprise whatsoever.
- Before surgery, I was able to pretty accurately mentally simulate many of the physical feelings of post-opness or normalcy, if I may. The sensations and the surface area of those sensations did not match the actual physical form of my body at the time.
- After surgery, on a larf I tried to focus and mentally simulate the pre-op sensations that I always identified as "wrong", and I couldn't. Even though I experienced them for 20something years, I couldn't map it out in my head.
How about that? Personally I see that as another layer of much needed validation. My brain was never wired for said annoying sensation and once the body bits were remapped (some gone altogether), not even a piece of it could be simulated mentally. I can still visualize it because it's stuck in my memories, but I can't feel it.
On another note, my dreams no longer have anything pertaining to post-opness/normalcy, but that's no surprise whatsoever.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Gradual changes
This entry is merely to point out some gradual changes I've been having:
- In the last week or so, the labia has gotten considerably tighter. Nowhere near end result but it looks and feels closer to that.
- In the last several days I haven't been able to push the dilator straight in, it does a little stop-start-stop-start when I push it in. I wonder why? Douching all the goop out yesterday hasn't changed this.
- The urethral opening, except when the dilator is in, is covered up. (but there's no bladder problems because of this)
Funny how this works really, it's all slowly starting to come together. Looking at most vaginas it's often hard to tell what's what and now mine's getting to be that way. (though it still looks way off)
- In the last week or so, the labia has gotten considerably tighter. Nowhere near end result but it looks and feels closer to that.
- In the last several days I haven't been able to push the dilator straight in, it does a little stop-start-stop-start when I push it in. I wonder why? Douching all the goop out yesterday hasn't changed this.
- The urethral opening, except when the dilator is in, is covered up. (but there's no bladder problems because of this)
Funny how this works really, it's all slowly starting to come together. Looking at most vaginas it's often hard to tell what's what and now mine's getting to be that way. (though it still looks way off)
Monday, May 11, 2009
What is transexuality?
So as an indirect result of a party I went to, my internal clock is haywire and I'm up at 1am. Clown'll eat me etc. etc.
I almost got into rant mode on a trans mailing list today. It was a rant against psychology. (no I am NOT a scientologist) It went on about how I feel that psychology, along with psychoactives, are forcing us to bury or drug away parts of us that have been tolerated by society since the dawn of civilization. Said parts of us having both negative and positive qualities, and how I felt we should go back to learning how to channel/control it properly as they did in the late 1800s and earlier.
(now to be fair, psychology has become important because our society has become a welfare state. if we don't keep the misdiagnosed who need to just learn self-discipline from dropping out of the workforce, our society will crumble under their pressure)
After writing that, my mind wandered further. I'm not going to try and claim mental disorders exist -- they do, but not in the scale that we diagnose them today. That said, I'm starting to seriously question if transexuality is a mental disorder.
Consider this: I had the intense urges caused by the wiring of my brain and my body not being the same. At first, it appears to be a mental disorder, but I contend that it is actually a physical disorder that manifests itself mental disorders to the outside observer, because they can't comprehend the physical realities of it. Depression is a good example because we all pretty much get it from this wiring/actual situation mismatch. But depression is not limited to this particular situation. Other disorders can result from situations surrounding the physical disorder and the means necessary to fix it along with society's tendancies as it is today. Paranoia and agoraphobia are two common examples.
I'm not really sure there's such a thing as GID either under these circumstances, though GID would be a great blanket term for the individual's inability to cope with the physical disorder, and the mental disruptions that come with it.
For a mental disorder to be truly a mental disorder, it needs to persist in an undrugged individual for the rest of their lives, though it can be buried, perhaps even permanently, through the individual's self control. Trying to bury transexuality has yielded poor results, but getting things put in their proper place fixes everything. So why is this not classified as a physical disorder?
If a person is blind, or born with a leg missing, or some other physical disorder, they often show signs of awareness that something is wrong. But there's no Sight Identity Order or Bipedal Identity Disorder or whatever. The individual might end up depressed, but since everyone around them is sight capable or bipedal, they're easily classified as physically disabled.
Furthermore, a blind person gaining sight through technology or an individual born without a leg getting a state-of-the-art prosthetic that is wired to their brain (and being able to use it) who once suffered depression may very well lose said depression, unless the cure was somehow botched. (as is the case with transfolk who get shoddy surgery)
As for why transexuality is so debilitating past a current point, it's because as much as we love to deny it as a society, reproduction is perhaps our most powerful driving force, while our senses (and our limbs) are just a means to that end. Thus we're constantly reminded throughout the day, every day, how wrong things are. Stumpy on the other hand is just sad that he can't run. (though that doesn't necessarily mean he's not searching for a cure either, it's just not as advanced/mainstream as SRS has become yet)
So there's my two cents, but I have a feeling it'll inflate to about $200 when my mind finishes pondering this one.
I almost got into rant mode on a trans mailing list today. It was a rant against psychology. (no I am NOT a scientologist) It went on about how I feel that psychology, along with psychoactives, are forcing us to bury or drug away parts of us that have been tolerated by society since the dawn of civilization. Said parts of us having both negative and positive qualities, and how I felt we should go back to learning how to channel/control it properly as they did in the late 1800s and earlier.
(now to be fair, psychology has become important because our society has become a welfare state. if we don't keep the misdiagnosed who need to just learn self-discipline from dropping out of the workforce, our society will crumble under their pressure)
After writing that, my mind wandered further. I'm not going to try and claim mental disorders exist -- they do, but not in the scale that we diagnose them today. That said, I'm starting to seriously question if transexuality is a mental disorder.
Consider this: I had the intense urges caused by the wiring of my brain and my body not being the same. At first, it appears to be a mental disorder, but I contend that it is actually a physical disorder that manifests itself mental disorders to the outside observer, because they can't comprehend the physical realities of it. Depression is a good example because we all pretty much get it from this wiring/actual situation mismatch. But depression is not limited to this particular situation. Other disorders can result from situations surrounding the physical disorder and the means necessary to fix it along with society's tendancies as it is today. Paranoia and agoraphobia are two common examples.
I'm not really sure there's such a thing as GID either under these circumstances, though GID would be a great blanket term for the individual's inability to cope with the physical disorder, and the mental disruptions that come with it.
For a mental disorder to be truly a mental disorder, it needs to persist in an undrugged individual for the rest of their lives, though it can be buried, perhaps even permanently, through the individual's self control. Trying to bury transexuality has yielded poor results, but getting things put in their proper place fixes everything. So why is this not classified as a physical disorder?
If a person is blind, or born with a leg missing, or some other physical disorder, they often show signs of awareness that something is wrong. But there's no Sight Identity Order or Bipedal Identity Disorder or whatever. The individual might end up depressed, but since everyone around them is sight capable or bipedal, they're easily classified as physically disabled.
Furthermore, a blind person gaining sight through technology or an individual born without a leg getting a state-of-the-art prosthetic that is wired to their brain (and being able to use it) who once suffered depression may very well lose said depression, unless the cure was somehow botched. (as is the case with transfolk who get shoddy surgery)
As for why transexuality is so debilitating past a current point, it's because as much as we love to deny it as a society, reproduction is perhaps our most powerful driving force, while our senses (and our limbs) are just a means to that end. Thus we're constantly reminded throughout the day, every day, how wrong things are. Stumpy on the other hand is just sad that he can't run. (though that doesn't necessarily mean he's not searching for a cure either, it's just not as advanced/mainstream as SRS has become yet)
So there's my two cents, but I have a feeling it'll inflate to about $200 when my mind finishes pondering this one.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Gaining weight? D'oh...
Wooooooow...
There's a scale in the ladies' restroom at my workplace. Gee thanks.
Anyway, I weighed myself a couple weeks ago. Then weighed myself again. Gained 4lbs in two weeks.
Holy crap.
Confirmed it in inches when I grabbed the trusty old tape measure. Gained an inch since I last used it.
I'm by no means sedentary. I've been posting about how I've done x, y, and z physical activities early on in my post-opness, but sheesh. My diet's been mostly the same as before, calorie-wise, but since my overall activity level is still less than two months ago, I can see why I've been packing on the pounds.
This sucks. I was going to go on a diet anyway in hopes to look nice by July, but now I've bumped it ahead in my priorities list. This can really creep up on you if you're not paying attention.
There's a scale in the ladies' restroom at my workplace. Gee thanks.
Anyway, I weighed myself a couple weeks ago. Then weighed myself again. Gained 4lbs in two weeks.
Holy crap.
Confirmed it in inches when I grabbed the trusty old tape measure. Gained an inch since I last used it.
I'm by no means sedentary. I've been posting about how I've done x, y, and z physical activities early on in my post-opness, but sheesh. My diet's been mostly the same as before, calorie-wise, but since my overall activity level is still less than two months ago, I can see why I've been packing on the pounds.
This sucks. I was going to go on a diet anyway in hopes to look nice by July, but now I've bumped it ahead in my priorities list. This can really creep up on you if you're not paying attention.
My labia's trying to kill me
On the left side, right by the opening, there's not one...not two, not even three...not even four...but FIVE sutures, all close to each other, in a ripe position on the labia majora to be crushed by the dilator. I kid you not. I have no idea why five sutures have collected in that spot...if it even is five and not three with two overlaps and one with the other side buried, but I have to take care not to let it be crushed, or end up in extreme pain.
Luckily I can get the sutures out of the way (if I did nothing they'd be crushed) but I'm hoping such a nightmare scenario doesn't happen in a spot I CAN'T adjust...
Next day edit:
Not surprisingly, moving that area out of the way several times has caused some sort of tear near my perineum. Now I bleed below the suture cluster, around where the labia and perineum meet, when I dilate. Fun.
Luckily I can get the sutures out of the way (if I did nothing they'd be crushed) but I'm hoping such a nightmare scenario doesn't happen in a spot I CAN'T adjust...
Next day edit:
Not surprisingly, moving that area out of the way several times has caused some sort of tear near my perineum. Now I bleed below the suture cluster, around where the labia and perineum meet, when I dilate. Fun.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Number FoOWur
I just got the #4 in. With my suture issues and the pain when it gets shoved into the skin, it really seriously sucked. I think I'm making decent time, at least. #4 is pretty good for not even week 5. Took me a LONG time to get it in, but it's in. I'll be working that, and then only have the #5 left. I look forward to dilation becoming a time consuming chore and not a time consuming chore that hurts like hell.
Just a next day edit note, the trend hasn't stopped with #4 in that if you get it in once and leave it long enough, it gets easier the next time and in future iterations as well. I've also started rotating the dilator (both 3 and 4) from time to time to help loosen the skin.
Oh, and moving up a size has once again upset my bladder pathways. It seems like that can't be avoided.
Just a next day edit note, the trend hasn't stopped with #4 in that if you get it in once and leave it long enough, it gets easier the next time and in future iterations as well. I've also started rotating the dilator (both 3 and 4) from time to time to help loosen the skin.
Oh, and moving up a size has once again upset my bladder pathways. It seems like that can't be avoided.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Dilation and constipation
I know, attractive topic huh? Well I'm still struggling to get the #3 in without the aid of the #2, two days later. I imagine that this'll be a lot worse when I work up to the #4, and if #5 (it arrived today) becomes feasable, I will probably have to 3-4-5. Even the last time I did the #2 it was never as easy as using the #1 on my first dilation day.
What the struggle is: Getting it past the Pc muscle. The rest isn't so bad, though that's tougher now for the #3 than it was originally for the #2 when I dropped the 2T.
There's another thing that seems to correlate with my #3 problems, it's the fact I've been constipated for a couple days. It went away though, after I got a headache today and took the appropriate meds (painkiller) it must've relaxed whatever muscle (also the Pc muscle, I wonder?) is responsible for bowel pushing. I haven't dilated since taking said meds but I'm curious as to how easy the #3 will be now that muscles are forced to relax.
I'll edit in a few hours with the answer.
[edit: several days later]
So I'm not really one for punctuality.
Anyway, it does indeed seem that it got easier when under the affects of the over-the-counter headache medicine I took. Just something to consider.
What the struggle is: Getting it past the Pc muscle. The rest isn't so bad, though that's tougher now for the #3 than it was originally for the #2 when I dropped the 2T.
There's another thing that seems to correlate with my #3 problems, it's the fact I've been constipated for a couple days. It went away though, after I got a headache today and took the appropriate meds (painkiller) it must've relaxed whatever muscle (also the Pc muscle, I wonder?) is responsible for bowel pushing. I haven't dilated since taking said meds but I'm curious as to how easy the #3 will be now that muscles are forced to relax.
I'll edit in a few hours with the answer.
[edit: several days later]
So I'm not really one for punctuality.
Anyway, it does indeed seem that it got easier when under the affects of the over-the-counter headache medicine I took. Just something to consider.
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