What is transexuality?

So as an indirect result of a party I went to, my internal clock is haywire and I'm up at 1am. Clown'll eat me etc. etc.

I almost got into rant mode on a trans mailing list today. It was a rant against psychology. (no I am NOT a scientologist) It went on about how I feel that psychology, along with psychoactives, are forcing us to bury or drug away parts of us that have been tolerated by society since the dawn of civilization. Said parts of us having both negative and positive qualities, and how I felt we should go back to learning how to channel/control it properly as they did in the late 1800s and earlier.
(now to be fair, psychology has become important because our society has become a welfare state. if we don't keep the misdiagnosed who need to just learn self-discipline from dropping out of the workforce, our society will crumble under their pressure)

After writing that, my mind wandered further. I'm not going to try and claim mental disorders exist -- they do, but not in the scale that we diagnose them today. That said, I'm starting to seriously question if transexuality is a mental disorder.
Consider this: I had the intense urges caused by the wiring of my brain and my body not being the same. At first, it appears to be a mental disorder, but I contend that it is actually a physical disorder that manifests itself mental disorders to the outside observer, because they can't comprehend the physical realities of it. Depression is a good example because we all pretty much get it from this wiring/actual situation mismatch. But depression is not limited to this particular situation. Other disorders can result from situations surrounding the physical disorder and the means necessary to fix it along with society's tendancies as it is today. Paranoia and agoraphobia are two common examples.
I'm not really sure there's such a thing as GID either under these circumstances, though GID would be a great blanket term for the individual's inability to cope with the physical disorder, and the mental disruptions that come with it.

For a mental disorder to be truly a mental disorder, it needs to persist in an undrugged individual for the rest of their lives, though it can be buried, perhaps even permanently, through the individual's self control. Trying to bury transexuality has yielded poor results, but getting things put in their proper place fixes everything. So why is this not classified as a physical disorder?

If a person is blind, or born with a leg missing, or some other physical disorder, they often show signs of awareness that something is wrong. But there's no Sight Identity Order or Bipedal Identity Disorder or whatever. The individual might end up depressed, but since everyone around them is sight capable or bipedal, they're easily classified as physically disabled.
Furthermore, a blind person gaining sight through technology or an individual born without a leg getting a state-of-the-art prosthetic that is wired to their brain (and being able to use it) who once suffered depression may very well lose said depression, unless the cure was somehow botched. (as is the case with transfolk who get shoddy surgery)

As for why transexuality is so debilitating past a current point, it's because as much as we love to deny it as a society, reproduction is perhaps our most powerful driving force, while our senses (and our limbs) are just a means to that end. Thus we're constantly reminded throughout the day, every day, how wrong things are. Stumpy on the other hand is just sad that he can't run. (though that doesn't necessarily mean he's not searching for a cure either, it's just not as advanced/mainstream as SRS has become yet)

So there's my two cents, but I have a feeling it'll inflate to about $200 when my mind finishes pondering this one.

Locked in a headache cycle?

As a victim of frequent headaches, I thought this would be worth mentioning. Since surgery, I've been getting headaches roughly every 2 days. Starting with Day 3, I've had one on days 5, 7, 9, and now 11. (today) [edit 4/13, day 13 too] Each time I've taken something for it.

[edit: after day 15, I went weeks with no headaches at all. go figure]

Bladder and pain meds

Just a side note: I learned from my next door neighbor that there may be a link between pain meds(Percocet and Dilaudid) and bladder problems. So this might make #5 "things no one ever tells you about SRS". I'll compile a list and put it on a static page someday. :D

Painkillers give me a goddess complex :P

After talking to my friend on the phone, and observing myself over the past few days, I think both Percocet AND Dilaudid give me a goddess complex. I feel so invincible right now because I'm no longer at a 4-5 in terms of chronic pain. Haha. They also reduce my inhibitions. I was a bit nervous about calling my mother a few days ago. She was my first supporter ever though we don't talk much which makes her somewhat hard for me to read, but but after the Percocet I got the courage to do so, and was rewarded with the same loving mother I've had all along. I haven't shown her this blog because I don't want to gross her out, but I'd like to send her my love.
<3 <3 <3 <3

Maybe tomorrow I'll call some relatives I haven't spoke to in 12 years. I might find more that are on my side now!

One more thing. One of the older nurses caught me watching Family Guy when she came to take some vitals. She commented "maybe some good TV will be on tonight" in obvious disapproval. I desperately tried to hold back my laughter as she was getting my heartbeat/blood pressure and failed miserably. :)

Boring day, Star Trek! and power...

In our wonderful world of instant everything, a geek like me resorts to the following on the boringest day of recovery, day 5:
http://www.cbs.com/classics/star_trek/
Just when you thought I haven't dropped enough hints as to who I am in real life.

There's literally nothing that happens today. I'm still in pain and stuff, in terms of chronic pain it's more like a 5 or 6 today instead of a 8 or 9 like it was yesterday. So I'm just taking it easy and passing the time.
Don't expect much blogging from me.

It's funny to witness the 1960's views on women in Star Trek. The show was so progressive, it was the only haven in entertainment where blacks were treated equally, in fact all races were treated equally. It was one big melting pot, yet women somehow got left behind. The last episode I watched, a female Romulan captain ended up being a liability, costing the Romulans the secrets of their cloaking device. I'm now watching an episode where a woman ("Dr. Lester") switches bodies with Kirk. On one hand it's turnabout for Kirk's infamous sleeping around, on the other hand it talks down to women in many ways.
Hrmph.

Gender and power has been on my mind for awhile now. I never experienced much of a shift in power because I never lived as an ADULT male. This can be a common issue with older transwomen because the dynamics of power aren't 100% uneven. They are still skewed in favor of males, but the methods males and females use to obtain power are different, and those who transition as adults often flop because they haven't picked up on the different dynamics, and come across as weird, or end up becoming too submissive to avoid being read.

I'm not sure if there's any point to this entry. No one in my life except the few who know of my past life will see me any different as a result of this operation. I'm not really the power-obsessed type, I prefer to have just enough to manage and protect my own life and lifestyle. I just find it odd that with women in general, but especially transwomen, there seems to be such a stark contrast in terms of power, and there seems to be a bit of a bias against holding power, and the majority of problems women have today result directly from ceding too much...
Fin. (lol)

Ok, un-fin. Yeah, today is one of my headache days. I didn't think I'd get two, but I'm using the medicine that works again. So I'm a little on the loopy side right now. Power is something that's often on my mind because early in my adult life I had zero power. I did suffer abuse because of it, and it guides many of my decisions today. My mind is also floating around where my life will go next. What will my relationships be like? How can I have a lasting, mutual relationship without ceding a dangerous amount of power? I already plan to work to, probably, the day I die, but I just wonder how I can let someone get close and not put myself in danger again?
I know this entry still seems silly and pointless, but so is today so :P

Improving mood

As I walked down the street to pick up my scrips from Walgreens, I realized that my mood has improved quite a bit in the last couple days, and nothing's really happened yet. It's great to be in a place where no one knows me, and frankly no one really gives a damn about me, aside from those involved with the surgery. It's nice to walk around without all the stresses of home, and it allows me to further develop who I am as a person. The whole dark mood facade breaks down, who knows, maybe it'll all but disappear by the time I get back. Honestly I never liked it.
I've been described as "spritely" by friends before, friends who don't know I'm T but I can still relax around them. Maybe that's the real me.

By the way, I've added tags to all my blog entries. All the entries that don't relate to SRS or labiaplasty (guessing in about a year or so) go under "sandbox". All SRS entries are together and sub-categorized as pre-op and post-op.

And now for something completely different...

Just something on my mind I need to get off my chest. (no pun intended) My mind has been wondering in and out of the idea of unnecessary FFS. I go in and out of periods where I feel FFS is necessary, sometimes in a single day. Others in the group have had FFS even though everyone thought they looked fine. So I'm going to do the cliche blogger thing and coin a phrase now. "Jenna Bush Syndrome". Please use it from here on out.

Jenna Bush Syndrome is named such because if you look close enough (and you don't really have to, so long as you have the idea in your head) Jenna Bush looks a lot like Dubya. In a couple pictures I've seen, it looked like Dubya's face was photoshopped onto Jenna's body, but the resemblence is pretty obvious in most every picture I've seen of her.
So for most transwomen, the Jenna Bush Syndrome is that they can't accept facial features from their male years being on their female selves, and have to change them. This is normal and well known, but for me it's more complicated. I transitioned 13 years ago, so I barely remember my male years anymore. The pictures from that era are long gone. What's burned into my head is that I have a brother who is mentally troubled. Troubled in a way that was troubling for the rest of the family. Unfortunately, appearance-wise there's a clear connection between me and him, so when I look in the mirror, it's not only the old self that I worry about, but it's also him. Plus it's not only gender, but it's his flaws that I torture myself to prevent myself from carrying. My rational side realizes how foolish this is, but everyone's irrational sometimes...

So it's two things that I need to learn to live with. Though the majority of glances in the mirror don't show this resemblence. I look way more like my sister nowadays.
Of course, I could just get FFS like everyone else and make it go away. hehe...

DELAYED

Gotcha.

Just my flight is delayed. I'm blogging from an airport. Luckily all my carry-ons are entertainment.

New blog!

So here's the deal. At the time of this posting I am a late 20-something pre-op transsexual who's preparing to see Dr. Toby Meltzer on March 31st for breast augmentation (silicone) and vaginoplasty. Since this is really uncommon and stuff, I'm writing this blog to share my experiences, and immediately after surgery, it'll be an unfiltered stream of consciousness straight from the hospital bed, thanks to the wonders of free WiFi and my laptop. My goal with this blog is to give others an idea of what the experience is like for someone in my demographic.

Also it'll be a case study of how well someone can type hopped up on painkillers.