Dilation now once a day. Hooray!

Not much to report anymore. I'm finally able to dilate ("safely") once a day, though I was doing that for a couple weeks now. The BF thing is going really well, and because of that I had opportunities to see that missing a dilation wasn't going to do any damage, and it didn't. Anyway, one session per day, 40~50 minutes, first the 3 then the 5.

p.s. Holy crap, no July entries. Time flies...

My first SRS complication!

yayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayay.

I now have fodder for future SRS complication oneupsmanship!
Ok, in reality it's a minor complication that according to my GYN, happens to 80% of SRS patients.

Apparently there was granulation in the graft area in the back of the vagina. Since what was the head of the penis got tossed out, except for part used for the glans clitoris, some internal tissue is grafted to close the vaginal canal. (which used to be the shaft) So when they're stitched together, it eventually heals, but sometimes it overheals, causing excessive tissue (granulation) to form. My GYN has to kill off the excessive tissue with sodium nitrite. (I think that was the chemical, not 100% certain)

So apparently this is why I had trouble reaching full depth when dilating. Go figure.

"My new dilation routine" or "Having a life, finally"

Since I'm well over a week into "2xDay" territory with dilation and I'm managing the 5 alright, I've dropped down to two sessions per day. One in the morning and one in the evening. No, they're not 12 hours apart and that doesn't seem to matter.

The 5 is improving much slower than the other sizes did. I doubt I could fit a 6 if it even existed. This morning's was the first time I was able to get it in within 2 minutes of the previous size. There's a little amount of bleeding caused by the introduction of the 5, but not nearly as much as when I introduced the 4.

My routine goes 3-4-5 right now. In a few days I'm going to attempt 3-5 so I can save on time and lube. I'm going to keep the 3 around for some time because I can reach maximum depth much easier with the 3 than I can the 4. I think around the 4th dot I hit something solid, bone maybe? Anyway I can jimmy the 3 around it and reach the 5th dot, but the 4...nope.
I only reach maximum depth once per day. The main object is still to keep the PC muscle from closing up.

One other thing worth mentioning: Last night I had a T-related nightmare and discharged a noteworthy amount of goop. Ew. I'll soon stop wearing pads during the day but having them at night is probably a good thing. I seem to discharge more at night.

Just a note on pre vs post sensation

I'm a natural born skeptic, I have a hard time believing anything I can't experience myself, including things that are to the political benefit of the T community. That said, here's something wicked cool that I keep forgetting to write down.

- Before surgery, I was able to pretty accurately mentally simulate many of the physical feelings of post-opness or normalcy, if I may. The sensations and the surface area of those sensations did not match the actual physical form of my body at the time.
- After surgery, on a larf I tried to focus and mentally simulate the pre-op sensations that I always identified as "wrong", and I couldn't. Even though I experienced them for 20something years, I couldn't map it out in my head.

How about that? Personally I see that as another layer of much needed validation. My brain was never wired for said annoying sensation and once the body bits were remapped (some gone altogether), not even a piece of it could be simulated mentally. I can still visualize it because it's stuck in my memories, but I can't feel it.

On another note, my dreams no longer have anything pertaining to post-opness/normalcy, but that's no surprise whatsoever.

Gradual changes

This entry is merely to point out some gradual changes I've been having:

- In the last week or so, the labia has gotten considerably tighter. Nowhere near end result but it looks and feels closer to that.
- In the last several days I haven't been able to push the dilator straight in, it does a little stop-start-stop-start when I push it in. I wonder why? Douching all the goop out yesterday hasn't changed this.
- The urethral opening, except when the dilator is in, is covered up. (but there's no bladder problems because of this)

Funny how this works really, it's all slowly starting to come together. Looking at most vaginas it's often hard to tell what's what and now mine's getting to be that way. (though it still looks way off)

My labia's trying to kill me

On the left side, right by the opening, there's not one...not two, not even three...not even four...but FIVE sutures, all close to each other, in a ripe position on the labia majora to be crushed by the dilator. I kid you not. I have no idea why five sutures have collected in that spot...if it even is five and not three with two overlaps and one with the other side buried, but I have to take care not to let it be crushed, or end up in extreme pain.

Luckily I can get the sutures out of the way (if I did nothing they'd be crushed) but I'm hoping such a nightmare scenario doesn't happen in a spot I CAN'T adjust...

Next day edit:
Not surprisingly, moving that area out of the way several times has caused some sort of tear near my perineum. Now I bleed below the suture cluster, around where the labia and perineum meet, when I dilate. Fun.

Number FoOWur

I just got the #4 in. With my suture issues and the pain when it gets shoved into the skin, it really seriously sucked. I think I'm making decent time, at least. #4 is pretty good for not even week 5. Took me a LONG time to get it in, but it's in. I'll be working that, and then only have the #5 left. I look forward to dilation becoming a time consuming chore and not a time consuming chore that hurts like hell.

Just a next day edit note, the trend hasn't stopped with #4 in that if you get it in once and leave it long enough, it gets easier the next time and in future iterations as well. I've also started rotating the dilator (both 3 and 4) from time to time to help loosen the skin.
Oh, and moving up a size has once again upset my bladder pathways. It seems like that can't be avoided.

Dilation and constipation

I know, attractive topic huh? Well I'm still struggling to get the #3 in without the aid of the #2, two days later. I imagine that this'll be a lot worse when I work up to the #4, and if #5 (it arrived today) becomes feasable, I will probably have to 3-4-5. Even the last time I did the #2 it was never as easy as using the #1 on my first dilation day.
What the struggle is: Getting it past the Pc muscle. The rest isn't so bad, though that's tougher now for the #3 than it was originally for the #2 when I dropped the 2T.

There's another thing that seems to correlate with my #3 problems, it's the fact I've been constipated for a couple days. It went away though, after I got a headache today and took the appropriate meds (painkiller) it must've relaxed whatever muscle (also the Pc muscle, I wonder?) is responsible for bowel pushing. I haven't dilated since taking said meds but I'm curious as to how easy the #3 will be now that muscles are forced to relax.

I'll edit in a few hours with the answer.

[edit: several days later]
So I'm not really one for punctuality.
Anyway, it does indeed seem that it got easier when under the affects of the over-the-counter headache medicine I took. Just something to consider.

La la la la labia baby, you got something for me

That one will surely get me excommunicated from the community.

I scheduled my labiaplasty for the Christmas break. Optimal timing because I get much of it off from work anyway. I'm glad I was able to acquire such a time, I've heard it fills up fast.

In dilation news, I've started working in the 3 without the 2. It's extremely tough. It took me 6-8 minutes to get it past the Pc muscle. I have to relax more than I'm likely capable of doing. (have I mentioned that I'm REALLY HIGH STRUNG? hehe) It took so long I had to relube because the lube was drying on the dilator. So much for saving lube this way.

I'm going to try to work the 4 in on either Saturday or (more likely) Sunday. Have plans on Saturday plus the extra day can't hurt. In fact it'll hurt just that much less. Hehe...

Oh, and I'm getting a #5 from Dr. Meltzer's office. Setting me back $95 due to S/H, but at least I'll have the set completed. I say this as I contemplate how even the #4 is going to fit into that itty bitty little hole that closes up when it's not used.

Sitting down has been thwarted, by a teeny tiny little bump?

Ugh, I don't know what's happened here, but sitting has gotten to be a real pain. Sutures have been coming out of me like mad during the last few days. A couple were nice enough to exit fully, but most of them are sticking out of various parts of the labia majora, it's getting really annoying. Probably related to the sutures is a bump that's formed on the lower part of the right side of my labia majora, near the perineum, which really hates any sort of pressure whatsoever. This is making sitting down, even on my bed, difficult. At work, I need a footrest so I can position my legs in a way that doesn't FUCKING HURT after 30 minutes. At home, I pretty much have to sit in the same way, legs bent at about a 110-120 degree angle.

I saw the OBGYN again. She called me "boring", but in a good way. :P Everything seems to be going really well, and my last two weeks of considerable activity have not affected that. She gave me some instructions for maintenance, including:

• edit in later when I actually buy the supplies and do

So this officially ends the interesting parts of my blog, now that I'm boring to my therapist(self-declared, she didn't say that :P ), my OBGYN, my electrolygist, and my blog since I'm making infrequent entries now. But I guess it's for the better.

I got the 3 in and I now know the meaning of pain

Owwwww...........

My vajayjay is not liking this.
Um...ow....

I don't normally blog while dilating (one hand typing) but holy crap, this was way tougher than the two. I still struggle with getting #2 past the Pc muscle but I'm impatient.
(the rest of this entry written after the session)
Ok, maybe not so much impatient, but weekends are the best time to get stuff like this done. I don't want to try to move up in size during my mid-work-day sessions where it's been 10 hours since my last dilation. This one was a 5-6 hour difference. That's the difference between "hurts" and "fucking hurts".

Since I have a life now I will probably have an 8 hour delay between now and my next session, but hopefully the presence of #3 in there once will make it slightly easier next time.
Hopefully it'll be easier for #2 too, since I plan on using that as an aid for at least a few days.

So yeah, it was much rougher than going from 1 to 2T. I thought my Pc muscle would give better because of the #2 being in for about 15 minutes but I had to really relax before I could get it in. Almost gave up in fact. Took several minutes before I passed that point, the rest wasn't so bad.

I also noticed it seems to be common to be unable to achieve full depth in a new size (except 2T becaust it's tapered) for several days. I don't really want to eliminate the 2 altogether until I can get the 3 to the last dot. I eliminated the 2T when the 2 was getting pretty close but I have a feeling the 3's going to take a little longer.
(of course, the lack of a 3T is probably why it's so damn hard)

later edit...
Third session with the 3 was strangely more difficult than the 2nd, which wasn't so bad. I think the culprit may be sutures. I'm having sutures coming out left and right, all over the place. One was really close to the vaginal opening so I cut that one. I hope doing so isn't a problem, heh. I think my suture expelling has increased greatly with the introduction of the 3. Maybe one of them caused said additional pain...
Or maybe it's too much of a "good thing". Maybe I need to do three-a-day on weekends so my poor pc muscle gets a rest.

next day edit...
Fourth session was bizarre. I struggled a little with the #2(stress maybe) but the #3 was much easier than yesterday's last session. I'm definitely going to just do three-a-day today. I think giving everything time to heal is crucial, 4-a-day might be overkill when trying to work a new size.

Always sucks, and three week update

First of all, I tried Always pantiliners and I must say, at least for us, they suck. They stick to the panties but they sometimes stick to your skin, and because of this they could get stuck in nasty places when sitting for extended periods of time. In my case, the pad was pushing into my perineum after a couple hours of sitting with them and it hurt like hell. I was sore for long enough to make my next dilation kinda suck. The Always sticky pads can't be adjusted on the fly.

On to the three week update...

• I'm finally able to resume most of my pre-op physical activity. Wish I could be more specific but one of my hobbies is very uncommon thus self-identifying.


• Wednesday (4/22) morning I managed to skip the 2T in my dilations entirely, with a bit of struggling. Will edit this post when I try again after 8 hours working.


• My breasts are still a bit swollen/firm and they still seem a little far apart. The swollen/firm doesn't surprise me much because I started with so little. My implants merely bumped me up to "normal".


• I don't have to douche anymore.


• I've discontinued the outer bacitracin as per instructions.

Life is slowly getting more and more boring as far as t-stuff is concerned. I expect to make far fewer entries from here on out.

Back to work

Just about three weeks later, I'm back to work. It actually feels good. Aside from the fact I like my job, being disconnected from the real world for too long is just weird. Getting back to various routines in my life feels a bit surreal. Work was pretty much okay -- I have a desk job and sitting in my chair felt fine for about 5 hours, then I went out and bought something soft for the other 3.
I also find that I should probably just ditch the Oxycodone. It's a painkiller and I'm not really in enough pain to justify it, and taking it in the morning just makes me a zombie around 12-1pm. (after which I'm fine)

As far as dilations go, I think I've finally outgrown the #1. I've changed to three-a-day extended sessions of 30-45 minutes. I apply Bacitracin outside for morning and midday, and inside for evening. The worst is the midday one. I live close to work but still, roughly 8 hours working, 30 minutes usually between end of session and getting out the door, and 15 minutes per way travel, so 9 hour difference. In spite of that, I don't really need the #1 anymore. I slowly work the 2T in, takes 5-7 minutes, leave for a few minutes, then do the 2 for the remainder of the session. The hard part with the 2 is getting it to full depth. I wasn't able to until today's midday session. Maybe this weekend I'll graduate to the #3. Everyone's been telling me to move up ASAP, that my skin is more pliable this early on, so I'm going to take their advice. I'll post about how well that goes.
Oh, and one more dilation note: Getting to max depth with the #2 is still quite a challenge, but it'll be worth it in the end. I guess this is why I hear about so many people losing depth in their dilations. It takes me about 15-20 minutes to get #2 from the 4th dot to the 5th and final dot.

Finally, I should mention that by no means have I been forced to sacrifice my life over this. Just yesterday I went to an amusement locale with a friend and rode a couple roller coasters and other mid-tier rides. As long as the ride doesn't pressure my midsection, I'm fine. The bouncy roller coaster was a bit annoying though. I had an 11 hour dilation that day, but no sweat doing the 1-2T-2 thing.

No pain, no gain. Also, the...uh...Q-bomb?

So FINALLY now that I'm back here in [censored], I'm moving up the dilations. Yesterday and this morning I did the 1-2T-2 thing (so much lube...) then for my second session today I did 2T-2, skipping 1. It's a bit rough, mildly painful, but I'm on my way. I think I'm physically capable of #5, Dr. Meltzer didn't indicate I had a two finger pelvis, so if I can get there in a month to two months, why not?

But moving up in size feels kind of like that first session where I had an 11 hour gap. My body wanted to reject the dilator but I just had to bear it until it didn't feel so bad anymore.

Oh, and another note...the kind of note I feel like if I mention, people will ship me back to Dr. Meltzer and ask him to change me back, but I have to mention it in a so-called "uncensored" blog, especially in light of a recent South Park episode. Queefing. Yep, apparently we do it. They weren't discharges, they were pockets of air escaping the new equipment with that distinctive sound. I just found it strangely amusing for some reason. It happened a couple times -- first after douching this morning, then again before my second dilation. I'm guessing the physiological reason is I pushed in some air caught in the "syringe" when douching. It's easy to do because I only make 60ml of the soap solution but the "syringe" can really hold about 70ml.
I'm mildly tempted to learn to control it, would make an interesting party trick. Haha.

SRS? What SRS?

I don't know what the X-factor here is. Maybe it's my age, but my healing has gone remarkably well. I went on a REAL vacation for three days and on none of those days (except a little day one) did I really feel like a recent receiver of two simultaneous major surgeries. I was walking around a lot, doing a certain mild-to-moderate physical activity a lot, getting way too little sleep, eating fast food almost exclusively and here I am today -- no complications or anything. I got what I wanted out of that vacation (validation/feeling of belonging/friends with the same rare interest I have) and having a life. I'm glad I did it.

Dilation really really sucked though. I had to seize every possibility I could to dilate, plus making some of my own. I'd duck out for periods with "something I need to do", I'd take long showers where 15 minutes were just dilation with the shower running on cold, I'd wake up earlier than the girl I was sharing a hotel room with, even added a fake injury to the mix to give me something to work off of. I'm so sick of lying. Seriously. But I didn't want to out myself because of dilation needs.
The worst part was getting home. I dilated at 10am before check-out at the hotel. My flight got delayed severely and didn't leave until near 8pm. Got to the airport near 10pm, rushed a cab to the train station for the last train heading home. Arrived at my stop around 11:30, got home 11:40, and then had a very grueling dilation session. (14 hours between sessions!) It took me nearly 20 minutes to get to my full depth, then I went another 15 minutes just for good measure.
Fortunately my morning dilation went well. Getting to full depth was much easier again.

Good words from the OBGYN

I saw an OBGYN Dr. Muller today. She's pretty well known in the local community. She has broad ranging experience with transwomen, apparently even having experience with the famous 70's tennis player Anne Iforgorherlastname. That said, I got more or less a clean bill of health from her. Aside from a couple sutures she has minor concern over, everything looks really good. She even went as far to say that I'm "one of the best" that she's seen. Yay!
For a worrywort stress machine like me it's a welcome sentiment.

It was a pretty quick deal, going to the GYN. Obviously going on day 13 is early and not much she could do. She cleaned off some of the dried blood trapped in the creases, all the kind of things that wouldn't get cleaned off in the shower. She told me to apply a little Bacitracin to the urethra area after I shower, after doing some sort of test or cleaning in that area. Other than that, not much to speak of. Inspected the breast area and had good words for that work as well.

I'm glad I went with Meltzer. Seems like I'm on the good end of "get what you pay for" for once. :D

My masochism (Part V) plus good news

Tomorrow I fly off to a vacation destination. For privacy reasons I'm minimizing the details, but the worrysome part is I'll be sharing a hotel room with someone who doesn't know my backstory, and probably wouldn't be too thrilled about it. I have to dilate 4x a day in that situation, but I'm going to try and do a 3x30 minute schedule to minimize the issue. Still, I'm going to be hogging the bathroom for a long time.
Plus, I've never tried dilating on the john. It'll be a grand experiment for me tomorrow. :P

Onto the good news! As of this morning and confirmed again but 10 minutes ago, I'm finally just about peeing normally! Woohoo! Only took 6 agonizing days. It's not perfect but the flow is finally reminiscent of my pre-op flow and I don't really have to push anymore. That's a huge load off my chest.

And finally, speaking of my chest, I'm about to go to a Nordstrom's that's within walking distance and hopefully find something that will solve my nipple dilemma...unless it's online only...

Challenges of everyday life

Well, I tried preparing for this before I left and it didn't go so well. Aside from completely misestimating the amount of space I'd need (and losing even more of it because a roommate moved a bunch of his clothes into my room...) I didn't have all the supplies I'd need.
Though for obvious reasons I cleared out my food before going on vacation, so I had to replenish that as well.

Protein bars(which I'd have 1xday preop anyway), yogurt, OJ, and various fruits were among my latest purchases. Related to dilation and the endless blood spotting -- a 12 pack of Brawny and 3 packs of thin pads. I spent $100 in groceries today. I usually don't buy so much in one sitting but I won't feel like shopping as frequently as I used to so I stocked up.

Getting around post-op is a real chore. My old cheap car is biting me in the end because it has poor shocks and the seat is not soft. PAIN as I drive to the bank a couple blocks away. I had to use an old winter coat in my trunk as a cushion for until I get something a little less unsightly. Getting in and out of my car comfortably looks like a contortionist's act. I'm now designating myself as a WTFcripple, because while some muscles and joints are perfectly healthy and capable, other muscles and joints are irritated, inflamed, and weak. That contrast is going to make me look very weird, because I know precisely where I need to take it easy and where I don't.
I also need to figure out a way to wear my old clothes with the no-bra rule. I'm thinking of chopping up my old bras and finding a way to wear the cups but not the binding. (which is the problem)

Home sweet home. Sort of.

Been back home for about 5 hours now. Dilated twice, just finished a 45 minute session. Still bleed a lot after dilation, though this time I actually bothered to look the area after pulling out the dilator. It's pretty interesting, the hole remains open for awhile because that skin is so slow to retract.

Now onto the "sort of". I still have the "number one" problems, though it's not that I have to push so much these days, it's just that the stream is so weak. It's a bit annoying, and I'm losing faith that it'll ever be normal.
Also, the little bladder hole seems to be a regular source of blood...
Elsewise, I'm discovering my room to be a little small given my current state. I'm finding it to be too easy to bump into things, and I'm taking everything way slower than usual. I thought after my orch 4 years ago it would not be an issue ever again, but basically I'm just waiting to bump my midsection into something hard. It's inevitable, it will be painful, but odds are it will happen.
Sigh. :/

I miss everything about the hotel room except paying for it.

So at day 11, I did a test run for that physical activity I mentioned in a couple other blogs. It went shockingly well, I'm finding myself more capable than I thought and I've worked on methods to make it even less physically demanding than I knew was possible. Only thing is, I realize now that it's best to be physically inactive for about 30 minutes after dilation, that includes walking. It just causes me to bleed more otherwise.

Morning dilation sucks

After my burnout last night, and considering I woke up at 5am the day before, I got a whopping 10 hours of sleep last night, which meant my dilations were 11 hours apart. I didn't have any particular difficulty getting the dilator in, but I felt it this time, and had to just stop for 30 to 60 seconds just to get past the weird, difficult to describe pain. I almost felt like the canal was just itching to push the dilator out this time around...